I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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