I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
