if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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