seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
