I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
