i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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