You're earring is so big in my mouth
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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