Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
