The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
