i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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