the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
