You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.