Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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