my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
