My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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