I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
