Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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