high people should be assigned attendants
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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