so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
