i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
