sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
