i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
