the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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