my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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