Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
