White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
