I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You may now shotgun with the bride
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
