if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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