Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
