What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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