I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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