He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
