Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
