I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
