we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
