either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
