In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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