nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
