I hate your face
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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