the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
