If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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