i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
