dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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