just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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