You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
