I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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