Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
