I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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