we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
