You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
