can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
