im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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