I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
