Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She said her name was "party"
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
