I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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