Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
