i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
