Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
