Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
