I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You ruined the universe
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
