I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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